Obviously it costs money to be a missionary but that's not what I am talking about.
I dont really feel qualified enough to answer that question having only lived 9 months on the job. I do know that some days it costs more than I expected and then other days less. No two days are ever the same here, that much I have learnt.
I know days like today when I am sad and missing home that the price feels high. It feels high when I see photos of my nieces and nephews and my best friends kids growing up without us. It feels high when we miss important milestones, babies being born, weddings, parties, family weekends, or missing my girlfriend catch up sessions. The cost seems almost unbearable when one of our closest friends battles cancer and we are not there to hold her hand, or hug her boys.
I know that we will probably feel the cost of living in Haiti for the rest of our lives. One of my friends recently wrote "I want to go back to 2009 before I knew better" I cant imagine what life outside of mission would look like anymore.
It costs me to know I won the lottery when I was born in Australia and what a difference that win makes.
If you asked me last week what my favorite scipture verse is I would have said Luke 12:48.
From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.
I used to use this verse to spur me on, to not cease and to try to follow what I was called to do. I used to kid myself that I didn't take my life for granted and that I knew I was blessed. Today this verse feels heavy. After living here, I trully know what it means to be "entrusted with much" and the weight of what is asked sometimes feels unbearable.
Most days here I feel unworthy of what I have been entrusted with and unqualified for the task at hand.
After losing our son Isaac, God had slowly but surely bought us back from a very deep ravine we were in. Our lives were together. We had a house, a dog we adore, I loved my job we had even talked about trying to have a family again. Then everything changed. Our world was turned upside down and I am weighing the cost.
The world looks different it looks bleaker, more painful and feels so far from redemption. Its not that this just happened its just that our eyes have been opened. Ive learnt there is a price to pay for knowledge and I get the feeling its not a one time visit to the checkout. Some days I just wish I could open the drawer and put on my rose colored glasses even just for awhile.
In November we will fly back to Australia to rest, catch up with our nearest and dearest try to make up for what we have missed. We will also be raising our support for 2012. We wanted to use our money and savings to pay for the first year of mission. We didnt have a clue why we were called here so we didn't feel right about asking for money. My A type personality hate's the thought of someone else paying for my rice bubbles. I want to be sick just thinking about it. I think mainly its the final realization that I have to surrender everything if I am going to let God do what he has planned. Don't hear a word of this blog in any way doubting why we are here. We know we are supposed to be exactly where we are are. There are days like today when I wonder if I can ever get out of His way long enough for Him to do what He needs to do.
The stupid part is that I have seen God already work miracles since we arrived here. It sounds funny to say but I don't have a single doubt He will provide. It just costs my strong will and pride to be humble enough to say "I cant do this alone".
If this blog was an accounting ledger the last cost would have to be firmly in the "Good for me." column. Just not sure where the other costs go, and what the tally looks like. Don't think I want to know.
I think I want this to be my new favorite verse.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30